to start off with, life has taken a turn for the ...well i dunno if its best or worst. a little bit of both in a way
best / better - for once in a long time i feel somewhat free again. like i dont have to worry about certain things in my past. i feel like i can be independent and myself to some degree. i am much more confident than i was a few years ago which is a great improvement.
worst - home life. some people dont understand what it is like to come from a family where you feel so disconnected from your parents. they are supposed to be the two people in the world you can trust with anything and they should know you inside and out. i have neither of those two things which is sad. not only do my parents not know who i am, but they would kick me out of the house in a second for making one minor mistake. i know from experience within this last week. my dad basically told me that if i got so much as one little tatoo i would get kicked out of my house. now i had always thought my dad was the chill one who was actually somewhat sane in the ruder family, but he proved himself wrong. i honestly dont know how a parent could kick their kid out because of one little thing they decided to get on their body. while i dont have a tatoo yet, i have been thinking about getting one for awhile now, but i would get it somewhere that is easily hideable. to say the least, after i heard that spiel from my dad, i became very upset and left the house for about 3 hours. i am so frustrated by my parents and their hard-headedness and lack of openness to new ideas. because i am a person who is very much so based on being non-judgemental you can imagine how many problems this leads to in my everyday life.
to continue on (i guess by now you have noticed things have been more on the worse side as opposed to better) i basically decided that i want out of the house ASAP. i cannot stand it here anymore and i cannot stand my parents. the only things i would regret about leaving home would be leaving my sister and my brother. i wouldnt want to leave them in this place where i know they would just end up being worse off.
tonight me and steph looked at apartments.
i just want to be free. free from parents, free from a school i pay way too much to go to, free from the past, free from anything weighing me down, free from being weak.
there is so much right now that i just became confused about and i dont know what to do. it just proves to me that the only people i can trust in the world are myself and God. I learned these lessons the hard, and hurtful way. its not always easy to accept but i think my two new life mottos are 'talk is cheap' and 'what doesnt kill you makes you stronger'....ok well the last one has always been one of my mottos but still.
"remember to look over your shoulder, because the world is a cruel place"
- quote from Oma (wise woman, that one)
im in a bit of a depression, someone please pull me out.
annie em.
